Abuse doesn’t always start with violence. It’s often subtle at first—little things that don’t seem alarming on their own but slowly escalate over time. When I look back, I can see all the signs that were there from the beginning.
It started with control disguised as concern. He wanted to know where I was, who I was talking to, what I was doing at all times. If I didn’t answer fast enough, there was accusations of "who are you talking to" & accusing me of cheating. Which I never did. I never even talk to anyone the whole time we were married, or dating. I didn't realize this at the time, but it wasn't insecurity on his part—it was control.
Then came the isolation. Over time, my world got smaller. He didn’t like certain friends. He had issues with my family. He made it uncomfortable to keep relationships outside of him. Slowly, I lost my support system without even realizing it. If I did ever go meet a girlfriend for lunch, he would use that as a weapon against me and go out and do something I actually wanted to do without me on purpose, like go to a concert, and leave me behind as punishment.
Gaslighting was a huge part of it. If I ever pointed out something that felt wrong, he’d twist it around. “That’s not what happened.” "It was just a joke", “You’re too sensitive” “You always try to start shit!” After a while, I started questioning myself. Was I overreacting? Was it really that bad?
The emotional abuse turned into intimidation. The look in his eyes when he was angry. The way he’d break things or punch walls instead of me, punching my pillow with my head on it, kicking the bathroom door in because I was "taking too long" & I had my phone with me so surly i was up to no good 🙄 . Dismantling the house as he called it when he would get mad at me and just start taking things off the walls and taking things that belonged to me and putting them in places, they didn't belong like my computer, office chair, & craft projects. Just to make me react.
By the time it escalated to physical violence, I had already been conditioned to make excuses. He was stressed. He was drinking. He had a hard childhood. I told myself every reason except the truth: He was abusive.
When he held me hostage at gunpoint, I was stuck in a house with him for days after, snowed in, and by the time I could have called for help, things felt “okay” again. But abuse doesn’t just go away. It always comes back, worse each time.
I didn’t know then what I know now. If someone is making you feel small, afraid, or like you’re walking on eggshells, those are signs. Abuse doesn’t have to leave bruises to be real. If something feels wrong, trust yourself.
I didn’t even realize I was being abused until I got lucky and stumbled across a Facebook post about the different types of abuse. I had always thought of abuse as something physical—black eyes, broken bones—but that post made me realize it was so much more than that. The control, the gaslighting, the intimidation—it all fit. I joined a Facebook group where women were sharing their experiences, and I saw my life written in their stories. The exact same things he said, the same patterns, the same cycle of calm, tension, and fear. That’s when I knew it wasn’t just a rough patch or something that would get better. It was abuse. It wasn’t going to stop.
Resources for Domestic Abuse Support
If you’re in an abusive situation or trying to process what’s happening, these resources might help:
National Domestic Violence Hotline – Call 800-799-7233 or chat at thehotline.org (24/7, confidential support)
Love Is Respect – Focuses on dating abuse and healthy relationships. Call 866-331-9474 or visit loveisrespect.org
StrongHearts Native Helpline – Support for Native American and Alaska Native survivors: 1-844-762-8483 or strongheartshelpline.org
WomensLaw.org – Legal information and help for survivors, including restraining orders: womenslaw.org
Domestic Shelters – Find shelters and local support: domesticshelters.org
Rainn – If abuse includes sexual violence, RAINN offers support: 800-656-HOPE or rainn.org
(at the time I'm writing this for some reason it won't let me put clickable links in this post. I'm so sorry, but for this, you might have to copy and paste.)
Click to download. PDF has clickable links.